I remember growing up back then I read this quote: “Life is like a ball being dribbled. Sometimes, it goes up. But sometimes it goes down. But remember: the harder you fall, the higher you bounce.”
I’ve embraced that words ever since. When I went through failure, I would remember it would be a drive for me to make a better comeback. As my previous dream for a wedding and marriage has died, all the promises that never come true, I’ve learned learn to …
Hope again. Dream again .
I still choose to trust that my God is faithful, it is us, as human being, who are faithless. We often miss God’s purpose in our lives because we don’t trust in God enough to do it. Faith is the only thing that pleases God the most. It shows that we believe in Him as our only God, we believe in His power to do the impossible, we believe in His timing is perfect no matter how long it takes.
I welcome my whole new season of waiting upon God’s next promises upon my life. “Wait and see,” He said unto me. Many years before, I used to wait upon the “when” will I marry… but now the challenge of my faith has been elevated to the “who” and “when” will I marry. It’s another level of waiting. It’s another season of stretching faith to Him.
In my mind, when a woman hasn’t known yet her purpose or vision, it will be easier for her to jump and follow a man’s vision that has been offered to her (if he has one!) Yet, for a woman who has already known her specific purpose like me, it provides another challenge to meet with a man who’s vision is aligned and matched with all other factors involved. Deep down, I know that such Godly man I’m waiting for only God can provide. He must has been groomed by God alone.
So what can I do? I will wait. I will wait well … I will wait and trust in God’s faithfulness. At the end I will see his promises to pass. I don’t know about you and your relationship with God. What makes me so trusting in Him, or faith as we call it, is actually a gift. Only God who works within us to make us believe. And that faith grows only as we feed on His Words and put it into practice. Throughout the Scriptures God has proven again and again to many generations that he is a faithful God who will carry out His promises.
“For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast.” -Ephesians 2:8-9 [NKJV]
Then the LORD answered me and said: “Write the vision And make it plain on tablets, That he may run who reads it. For the vision is yet for an appointed time; But at the end it will speak, and it will not lie. Though it tarries, wait for it; Because it will surely come, It will not tarry.” -Habakkuk 2:2-3 [NKJV]
The waiting may be long, the waiting may be hard. But love the Promiser more than his promises. Love God more than the things that you long for, it will make the waiting season becomes fruitful. In my current waiting period, I learn to be content for more time I can use to read His words, more books about many topics, more people to talk with. I choose to grow and make this season as productive and as beautiful as possible. As I said at the beginning, I choose to dream another dream. Not because I don’t want to marry again, but because I want to wait well. I sometimes asked to God, “How long?” But you know He’ll never answer such question specifically 😉 So I guess, I have no other option unless to learn to be content to matter what. And yes … I enjoy it. Sincerely.
“But godliness with contentment is great gain.” -1 Corinthians 6:6
You also may have longings in your heart, waiting for it to become true. Yes that longing may be good. But God wants to show you more. God wants you to surrender your heart and trust completely into His hands. For there is no safer place to keep your heart rather than in Him. Humans may fail you, hurt you, disappoint you. Only God alone who can truly satisfy. Enjoy God more than your longings. At the right time, God is more than able to make it happen. Not based on your strength, but based on His goodness. At that time, you have nothing to give credit to you, only gratefulness to God. So yes when one dream dies, dream another dream. When the unexpected happens, readjust your life. And after that,
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. -Ephesians 3:20-21 [NKJV]
“Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stated that grief has five stages:
Over last week, I think I felt all of these. At first I described my feeling as “sad, but relieved.” I feel sad for the loss of someone dear to me and who have accompanied me for more than seven years. Yet I feel relieved knowing that this is the best way out with the least damage from our problem. I feel relieved knowing that I don’t have to prolong a difficult relationship ahead and knowing that he can be at peace once again with himself and his family. Yet I can’t deny that seven years store a lot of memories indeed. When I close my eyes, the memories can came like the waves and I can cry instantly knowing that some of what he did to me would be the last time. Well, I guess it’s okay not to be okay, right?
At certain time, I felt anger which I had poured out on him. I was angry and blaming him not to obey God whole-heartedly and caused our separation. I felt I was alone throughout the wedding preparation since I was the one who contacted and met with all the vendors. It drained my energy and of course my emotional tank. Now as the wedding is cancelled, I am also the one who deals with the mess up. I tried to find the best way out to minimise the financial loss which occurs. I felt I was not loved as I used to be. But my partner prepared a message for me… after reading and listening to that, I can finally be at peace. I am actually loved … in his way. I remember someone once said, “Just because someone does not love you the way you want him to be, does not mean that he doesn’t love you with all he has.”
Dear My Cony
Who is the first girl that I really loved in my life ? it’s You
I still remember the first day I met you back in December 2010, at that time, your girlie apperance captured my heart and I can see how sweet you are by the way you talked and acted, although you once slept in my class.
I tried to approached you by using kokology test, a test that you always answered and asked me “how about you ?”, a reply that I always waited each day, a message that always cheered my life.
I always dreamed to have a
girl like you in my life, and even though you are older than me, I closed my eyes and chased you with my turtle slow approach. I know many men also tried to chased you, yet you are waited for me to make a move, which I did the 9 months later. Just like a baby born from its mother womb after 9 months, so does with our love story.
We had a wonderful 8 years, while not every second was all smiles or laughter, you can bet that every second we spent loving each other, sometimes fighting and debating, seeing and console you while you were cried, accompanied you watching korean drama, helped you to took thousand perfect photos, listening you told a stories about a Christian or relationship book that you read, were all treasures for me.
We did our best in the last 8 years, but unfortunately some of series bad event made us kinda hopeless, tired about the future of our relationship. Yes, my mom played a big part in our relationship which made our position is a bit hard to advance to the next stage, a stage that you always dreamed since you were a teenager. I am feeling so bad and guilty when we have to called it off because its like I am killing your dream, but I also understand that I maybe a right boyfriend for you but not a right husband material for you when it comes to supporting you in your ministry career and spiritual life. I tried my best and even forced myself to keep up with you, but it just doesn’t work out and I fear I will hinder you to reach and completed God’s calling in your life. I just dont want, with all this pressures, I’ll to turn into a bad man in our marriage and you will no longer see the Billy you loved before, you regret why you marry me, you can’t fulfill God’s calling in your life, I would be very very guilty if I ever do that.
I always feel safe when I was with you, I know you will always loyal to me, always there for me when my stocks went down with your cupcupcup, cheering me when my stocks up, and you always defend me in front of your parent, friends when they all put their doubt on me, always forgive me when I was late pick you up, always text me first when we had a “cold war”, and you understand if I am such an introvert person so you always do and open a conversation topic, drive by yourself when you know I am busy, patiently waiting a grab or go car because you know I dont like to drive, still smiling whenever I lazy to dance with you or when i ignored you when we were together because I am busy with my phone, how you survive and understand me even though sometimes our relationship is not doing anything that normal couple used to do, how you be patient with my mom treatment to you, i just never know how you can accept that. I couldn’t ask more from you again hun. You are the perfect girlfriend.
I want you to enter a marriage with 100% love and happiness, something you can’t get it from me and I know it’s better seeing you with other Godly man that are far better than me when it comes to spiritual, parents approval, on time behaviour, talkactive. You deserved that after all this hard years passed.
I believe you will get your King David from God, with your kindness, noble vision and mission, beautiful face that looks far younger than your age, your independence, and your sweet personality, it’s about time before you meet him, in fact its him who needs to find you earlier than other men.
I never regret to had a relationship with you, it was wonderful, we shaped each other character to become a better person. If i can say, you shaped me more than I shaped you.
I will always be your best friend and supporter. Whenever you need me until you meet your David, I’ll be here for you. I think you will still need me, judging from you dont know how to avoid odd even plate in waze, you don’t event know ed sheeran until i told you, you don’t know how to read instagram story text by holding it, it was all funny yet sweet moments that I will always remember about you. Don’t easily trust people hun, I ve been with you for such a long time and I know you once tricked by some people or even hacker because you have a very kind heart, when you face a problem or something you dont know, ask me like you were used to do, and I promise I will help you.
I want you to be able to focus to your ministry and have no worry about your financial, I am offering myself to stay as your portfolio manager, the one who will take care your portfolio so you will be able to achieve your dreams like having a beautiful house with amazing decoration, travelling and many more without have any concern about your financial. I will do this because it was my responsibility for you since we started our relationship.
Whoever marry you later is one of the luckiest if not luckiest man in the world, he will get a Godly woman, a loyal wife that will stick through hard times like you did to me, sweet mother, instagramable model for photography, a restless travelling buddy, smart, romantic, and caring woman, oh and gentle dancer.
I don’t know about my future, sure if I am not be with you, I have to find another girl to become my life partner. I think at this point I will only find a woman that suited my parents criteria so I will not experience another drama. I just want to breathe again in my life, with peace and not feeling stress when I woke up in the morning or when the nightfall comes.
Lippo Mall Puri, Puri Mall, and Jolie will always be my favourite place, because we spent maybe 70% of our time there, sometimes you complain to me why we always go to that places, but you tried your best to be happy and accompanied me.
I love the way when you entered Jolie, trying and wearing all the dress that you want, you may not pay attention to me, but I always look at you whenever you look yourself at mirror and then look outside to find me, asked me “is this good Brown ?”, it’s always a blissful moment for me.
I always said to you that you are beautiful, even better when you dont wear a make up, I just like and love the way you are, never I told you to wear a make up right ? that’s why you often complain to me why I never compliment you when you wear a make up and good dress, because when I see a woman, I always imagined how she will looks like when she doesn’t wear a make up and I just love you the way you are.
It’s hard to write this without remember a moments when we hold hands together, swing it, and I kissed you in a romantic way, but I guess I have to let you find your David. Whether we are still meant to be in the future, we just never know and let time and God answer it, the point is you have to make yourself visible to the David and David has to find you, if I can give a tip and suggestion to him, he must go to Jolie every saturday night, there he can meet you.
Now you may have to spend your time with your parents, friends, but again, whenever you need something, until you find your David, you can always ask me to help you.
I wouldn’t say good bye to you, because I’m still here and we just walk in a separate ways.
Thank you for accompanied me in the last 8 years, I wouldn’t be here today without you hun, all my spiritual growth, life knowledge, wealth, attitude were all shaped and helped by God through you. I wish you all the best for your ministry career, your love life, your family life, your business (I’ll make sure to buy from you ya), and your education.
Cony will always in my mind no matter what, I’ll stored everything that you had ever gave to me, including photos, our chats, because for me, all you gave to me are treasures.
I am blessed to had you in my life hun, the memories we made together in the last 8 years is something that i always cherished forever in my life.
Love Cony Billy
Our story is a true lesson that… just because you love someone, does not mean that you have to marry. I know this sounds absurd. Some says that you should fight for your love. But love, too, is a sacrifice. It is about giving up your happiness for the happiness of others, too. There are more vital things needed in order to build a great marriage. One of them is life purpose’s compatibility. Knowing your purpose but you will never achieve it because you are paired with someone who has different from yours, is a torture. Yes, we love each other. But God has greater purpose than this love. To him, I replied …
Dear Brownie, You are the first man God said yes to in my life. You are the first man who makes me truly feel loved, respected, and protected. You are the first man I’ve ever kissed and you are a tender kisser. I see you possess money, but you don’t let money possess you. You always give what you have for those you love. You are loyal, responsible, and unshakeable. That’s what I love from you. That’s why I find it safe to embark the journey with you all these years.
At first you cant eat anything besides Indonesian foods or Hokben or Indomie. But you grow to like Aglio Olio just like me. We like common foods such as Yoshinoya, Marugame Udon, Genki Sushi and Soto Betawi Afung, more than we enjoy fine dining foods. You made me grateful through simple things and not on fancy things.
I remember how you said that “peace is the best home decoration”. It is a mind opener for me not to just focus on filling in my house with beautiful things, but more importantly how I should keep peace between the people in the house. Peace has always been your favorite thing. I feel sorry I’ve taken that from you for some time. Now peace is my last gift for you to enjoy and savor each day with your once harmonious family. I will always remember your word hun and build my family upon peace.
You’ve thought me simplicity. You made me flexible riding on a grab in the back of the car though I always feel dizzy in the back. You’ve made me adapted with solitude which you enjoy in the car. You’ve shown me how to listen to other s well since you are always a great listener. You are always patient when I threw tantrum either because of my PMS or other things. Thats why I can never be angry to you for long.
You’ve thought me to endure boredom going to same places over and over again. You’ve thought me that it matters more whom you are with rather than where you are. Once again, you’ve thought me to be grateful over little things.
I always like the way you hold my hands and willing to swing it as we walk. You made me feel like you are proud of me and I am your priceless possession. It shows you are happy with me.
Birthdays and anniversaries are always confusing moment for me since I cant find the right present for you. You dont favor stuffs. I guess you just love spending time with me. But I’d like my gifts of stuffs not just to be kept, I love that you wear it. Thats how it become useful and not dusty🤗
You used to be unable to do your own shopping. But now you can shop for your own clothes and I love seeing you shop. Keep your body not to be over again so that all the clothes, suits and pants will fit you for a long time 😊 I hope you can regain back your faith to God and rebuild intimate relationship with him again. Thats not just important, but essential. It is food to your soul, an air for you to breath. I guess what happen to us is a reminder not to love anything or any person more than we love God. Because eventually only God alone who stays forever and can satisfy us fully.
I dont regret spending my golden age with you. You have been a great boyfriend who protected my purity with all your might. You have guarded me well and I am so thankful to you. You’ve made me feel loved, so you dont have to feel guilty about it. You have turned me, a spring chicken, into a fine wine. Age doesnt seem to matter anymore. I am now a far more mature woman than before.
Thank you, Brown. You are always a Brown for me.
“Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what’s in between hello and goodbye.”
“Don’t regret, thank that it happened.”
” And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 [NIV]
God’s greater purpose is still lying ahead. I don’t know yet what exactly it is. I can’t see it now. I don’t know when it will happen. But I am believing in the God who is Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. I can rest assured in uncertainties ahead because I know that He is already there.
Today is the exact two months before our wedding date on May 18, 2019. I really wish that there is still a wedding to go, a happy ending of our prolonged love story for seven years, a miracle from God who opens the way through his mother’s heart. But unfortunately, it has become my own plan at my timetable, rather than God’s plan.
After the last time I wrote “A Love Story [Part 4]”, it has been a journey of waiting, enjoying a company of each other between me and my partner, and spending time with each of our families. We really have been hopeful for the miracle to come since his mother’s attitude in 2017 had improved much better. But each time discussion of marriage was brought up, she always refused and ignored it. Last year in August 2018, by the blessing of his father, we took a step of faith to prepare the wedding even with uncertainty of approval from his mother’s side.
Throughout the preparation, I felt heavy for the uncertainty lies ahead. I cannot describe it as a happy bride-to-be situation since there was always something missing in this.. the blessing of his mother. Each time I secured a vendor deal, I also made up my mind this must keep going on. We have put our efforts and resources fully to make this dream wedding comes true. As the wedding date came closer, the problem with his mother became more inevitable. Her heart grew harder to resist this marriage because merely we are separated by three-years age gap and I am older than him [there is a Chinese belief if a couple is separated by three years age gap they will face difficulties in marriage]. I have to admit that I had been swayed along the vibes of making a beautiful wedding, which always had become my dream since a little girl. Our attitude from expecting a complete blessing from parents had turned into ignorance of it. I argued that, “We are adults. We can make the decision by our own. Moreover her reason for objection is unreasonable and ungrounded.” So we keep going on … we have planned the wedding, honeymoon, and even prepared our future home.
One day, my partner started to share his fear regarding marriage without blessing from a parent can cause the couple face tremendous disaster in the future, such as bankruptcy, illness, and so on. He would feel very guilty if he dragged me into a problematic life, different from the kind of life he used to promise me. His fear was very real and very huge. He started to regard his mother’s blessing is mandatory in order for us to live well in the future. So he tried to talk to his mom over and over again, yet she still persists on her rejection. Some other time, he also shared honestly how he grew further from God and because of the pressures of the marriage to come, he became even lazier to read the Bible. He became disappointed with God not to deliver the miracle He long ago promised to us. He said that he could not promise me when he would ever go back again to his faith. I became to doubt. I have been trying to accept all of these not ideal situations. I have been trying to accept his unloveable mom. I have been trying to accept the fact that my marriage might not be able to be blessed by my home church since the blessings of parents are mandatory. But can I accept the fact that my partner is on his lowest point while entering this marriage, the possibility of he may not recover? I still try to reason, “Well, marriage itself has its ups and downs. Though I am not sure if I want to start at right from the bottom from the very beginning…” I began to doubt, too. “Maybe he is right. Maybe this wedding is based on our own time, not God’s timing.” Surely we didn’t ask God whether this is the right time for us to marry or not. Since we have been waiting for so long, I have to admit that my impatience was kicking me out to do something and make a progressive action rather than being passive.
We have asked help from a pastor whom I know to bless our marriage, but the church whom he used to ask for help suddenly was shut down. My partner regarded that as a bad sign. Two weeks ago, I eventually also cried over a song titled “Even If” -sung by MercyMe. I felt compelled in my heart to lay down my “dream wedding thing” in the altar before the Lord. He was asking me to sacrifice that dream since it has consumed my heart and turned me from Him. The lyrics says,
“I know You’re able and I know You can.
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand.
But even if You don’t, my hope is You alone.”
I know exactly how easy for God to turn around the situation. But even if He doesn’t, I shall hope in Him alone. It means that is not God’s will.
And the last confirmation came.. email from Faith after her 6 years of silence.
March 8, 2019
When God placed a fence to look after and protect you, the last thing you want to do is to jump or look around to find a way past the fence.
A shepherd will enter through the door, while a wolf will try to find another way to enter the house.
It’s been a long time since we communicate to each other, it seems that you and your partner had already planned for a long-term commitment relationship, but the big problem remains here and now both of you wondering which way to go.
The problem you faced doesn’t show any signs of improvement and the difficult situation is now takes its toll in your partner’s mind, his faith shattered, affected by complicated situation that have been going on for several years.
Now, when it seems reaches a dead end, both of you are starting to try to find another way out that looks much easier, even though deep inside your heart and soul, you know this is not an ideal love story you wanted at the first place.
This is what the LORD says
“Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who draws strength from their flesh and heart turns away from the LORD”
I don’t know what both of you are trying to do, but it looks like you are looking for a way to jump over a fence with helps of other people.
Right now, You feel like you don’t know him anymore, but it’s more because he doesn’t even know himself anymore.
Leticia, you know the vision, mission, and calling for your life, it’s a crystal clear things for you. Yet currently, it seems that your partner had lost his way, his vision and mission had begun to differ, wander from yours.
His struggle regarding relationship with his parent, disappointment after years of waiting, has made him as an indecisive man, full of fear and anxiety, his relationship quality with God also somewhat decreased and suddenly his faith vanish into a thin air.
As a potential family head and your spiritual leader, he has to show you that he is more than capable to lead you when it comes to relationship with God, something he can’t do it because he is now struggling with himself.
You don’t want to wade through an ocean with a fearful captain and a wrecked ship. If he doesn’t know where he wants to go and sail with emotionally wrecked soul, one of two things will happen, either you will arrive at a wrong island or the ship sink in the middle of an ocean.
Certainly, at this stage, he is still a good man, but remember that you also have responsibility for your calling. At current stage of his life, not only he is unable to help you reach your calling, but he can also being a barrier for you to reach it, because he will carry over his current complicated problem to the next stage of your relationship. You need more than a good man, you need a Godly man.
Before you push further with your own ways and plans, you should read 1 Samuel 13, when King Saul pushed his own ways and timetable.
King Saul was anointed by God but somehow he lost it and David was chosen by God to be the new King of Israel. God wants to give the best for Israel and of course, He also wants to give His David for you.
Don’t settle for Leah, when you can get Rachel.
Jacob once did experienced a frustration when he felt he had wasted 7 years in vain and then tricked by Laban, but in the end he got Rachel.
You may feel sad and wondering whether you have wasted your spring season, but your God said on Joel 2:25
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten, the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm, my great army that I sent among you”
“Instead of your shame, you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace, you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.”
Leticia, if you feel you have done the right thing, but God hasn’t answer your prayer or answered, but not according to your wishes, then you just have to accept it.
Marriage is 1 time and lifetime decision, you have to make sure you marry a right person at the right time.
God has a brighter future plan for you, filled with hope, just like what He said in Jeremiah 29.
Leticia, you just have to wait and see beautiful things God has already prepared for you.
With much love
If you keep up with our early love story post, you know that email from Faith was also God’s confirmation for us to walk down this path although we face uncertainty ahead. She gave us hope for God’s miracle if we walk in obedience, sanctify one another, and grow in the Lord in order to fulfil God’s mission and vision which assigned to us. This email was a rebuke for what we have done and how my partner’s vision now differs from mine. In 2012, she did warn us that if we disobey, God is able to separate us. Which now eventually God does. This email lifted up the first confirmation that God meant us to be together and giving another confirmation that we are no longer meant to be together … yes, it is a sad truth and hard reality indeed.
I know that every love story suppose to end with a happy ending. Moreover after miraculous confirmation and how God intervenes at the very start of our beginning. But now I can see just how important it is to be faithful and obedient to God after the confirmation too. You don’t merely rely on God while you are seeking for his confirmation whether someone is good as your life partner or not; but you also need to rely on God daily afterwards. Always put trust in him, rather than human’s help. What hit me really hard was the fact that my partner is no longer the same vision as I do, which threaten God’s calling in my life might never come true.
My God’s calling has always been building a Godly marriage and helping others to do so as well. You know that we cannot build a Godly marriage alone. It takes a partnership. God’s calling is like a baby inside my womb, have never given a chance to be born yet. I am willing to protect it with all my might, whatever the cost. So we decided to … cancel the wedding. 2 months before the wedding date.
“…to obey is better than to sacrifice…” – 1 Samuel 15:22 [NIV]
My feeling right now is like the one experienced by Job,
“...the Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.” – Job 1:22 [NIV]
The Lord has given us his confirmation seven years ago, now he has taken it away… I did it at the first place because I obeyed God, although my logic screaming “NO”. I had always been a logic woman who never want to waste my time in a relationship without blessing from parents. But I said, “YES” seven years ago because I trust in God’s promise and I obey His guidance. Now, I ended this relationship, because I also trust in what God says and obey wherever he leads me. Surely uncertainty lies ahead. Being single again at almost 30 years old. But I know he has greater purpose behind this tragedy. He has provided me a better plan and that plan will makes my God given dreams come true. Again… I definitely say “YES” to it..
It has been almost a month after me and Billy celebrated our first year anniversary of being together. The exact date was on February 21, 2013. I can only say that it is all because of God’s grace and goodness that our love can keep growing stronger each day. Why did I mention of God’s grace? Because it is only by His grace that grants Him patience to wait us to grow in this relationship. I believe that there is no perfect partner, as well as no perfect relationship exists. But I believe in a GROWING partner, a GROWING relationship. I can witness that it is through our relationship God has beautifully developed endurance, faith, and the most vital thing … patience.
As a young girl back then, I think that God will give me a perfect man and a perfect relationship. But God gave me something much better. He gave me a growing person. At the same time, he developed patience and faith along side seeing his growth and mine too. I can see that God has used Billy as a mirror to see my own flaws too. In comparison to him, I am still emotional, run out of patience easily, uncontrollable pitch of voice, etc. But I can see how God wants me to grow too in these areas throughout his example of life. Our personality is so different. Billy has a very calm temperament, he speaks in a calm tone, not emotional and not easily angered. He has a long breath for patience, long enough that makes him to endure holding his investments through its ups and downs. He is a quiet person, he always thinks before he speak. He is very consistent. Out of more than twenty devotionals sent to his email daily, he consistently reads each of it every single day. Billy has learned how to turn resentment toward someone who does him harm to become prayer of blessings for him. He has grown all the way to become simply … a Godly man. And at the same time, I have developed some of his qualities too in my life.
Many wonders how can I wait patiently throughout the uncertainty that lies ahead? They give me such questions like: “What if three years later, when you are about 27 years old, you break up with him?” “Are you ready for that?” Well, honestly speaking, I didn’t think about it. And I do not plan to think about it. The world says, “Hope for the best but prepare for the worst” or “Don’t hope so much so that you won’t be disappointed when it doesn’t happen.” But what do you think God would say about that?
“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.” -Proverbs 3:5-6
For me, trusting the LORD does not include ‘preparing for the worst’. There is no such thing. Try to imagine that you promise a child to buy her ice cream. But when she goes out with you, she brings her own ice cream from home’s refrigerator ‘just in case’ if you forget to buy her ice cream. That’s an insult, isn’t it? It shows that you mistrust the Giver, the Lord Himself. I encourage you to trust the Lord behind your relationship more than you trust your partner. Human can disappoint you, but God won’t. I believe that when God approved us to be together, He will also be the one who keeps it on track. Of course there is part that we must do. But I put my faith in the Lord who holds our world in His hands. My part is to trust and not to doubt. To work more to develop this relationship rather than to prepare for the worst. When I am committed in this relationship, I only see Billy, not the other ‘possible’ guys just in case this relationship doesn’t work. The uncertainty is one way for God to develop our faith. Faith sees the unseen, it sees the impossible to be possible. I don’t put my faith on my effort to gain blessing from parents, but I put my faith on Him who is almighty to open the hearts of them. Many is confused seeing on how we don’t date on weekends, how I never met her mother, etc. But I can only say that it is not the time yet. The right time will come. And when God reveals it to us, it will be effortless and show to the world that it can only happen because of God.
“The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as are the watercourses; He turns it whichever he wills.” -Proverbs 21:1 [AMP]
How can you have such strong faith in your life? “…faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word about Christ.” (Romans 10:17) A strong faith comes from a strong relationship with Christ, a strong knowledge about Him. We trust people who has developed a close relationship with us for a certain period of time and has shown how trustworthy he is in handling smaller responsibility to the larger ones. The whole Bible is telling the ‘history’ of God for over thousands of years. It gives the same testimony over and over again, God is trustworthy. God is good and knows the best for you more than you can ever imagine. When He asks you to wait, believe that it always meant for your own good.
I have learned to embrace the season where I am now. The season of waiting. God is preparing me to be a ready Godly woman whom He can use to expand His Kingdom. I always remember the story of bamboo which is told by Jabrik long time ago. The “hairy bamboo” is a type of bamboo which grows in China, Korea, and Japan. It is said that they do not show any visible sign of growth for the first 5 years, no matter how good their environment is. No shoot surfaces, and the bamboo looks as if it has stopped growing. After the 5 years of preparation, however, they grow in the range of 60 to 70 centimetres per day for 6 weeks, reaching over 30 meters in height. For the first 5 years, the bamboos will have grown strong roots which have stretched widely in all directions and often cover over 4 kilometres in distance underground. Bamboos only grow upward. They do not grow side branches, but grow towards the sun. Even when they reach 30 meters in height, they will not be broken or uprooted in the time of storms. They are not broken because they not only grow straight, but produce regular nodes in their trunks and have roots spread out for hundreds of meters.
The nature of the bamboo, which is thin but strong and straight, is like a strong foundation of patience and silence in the process of growth. The successful Christian life is built on times of patience and earnest prayer. So don’t worry about what happening in your life right now. Instead, start speaking your faith of tomorrow. I, too, am growing in this. I am visioning how me and Billy receiving blessing from parents, get married, going to minister the Lord together. I even can envision there is a church inside our womb. God will use us to expand His kingdom. It is a huge responsibility, therefore a longer preparation will be needed. I am thankful that God loves us so much to prepare us all the way before we launch on ministry. Zig Ziglar once said, “Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.” When you are in the season where impossibility becomes tempting sight, remember that character can only be built through tough times. I believe that God allows this season in our lives to make us stronger, more patient, and more dependent on Him for greater responsibility to come. A love can only grow as strong as the wind blows. Things that we get not easily, we will appreciate more. Easy come, easy go. Hard to get, hard to let go. As I am fixing my eyes on Jesus and put my 100% in the goodness of Him, may you too can grow in faith in whatever season you are now. Trust Him. I repeat, trust Him. He will always work everything toward a more beautiful purpose than you can imagine.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” -Romans 8:28
“The vision – message is a witness pointing to what’s coming. It aches for the coming -it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time. -Habakkuk 2:3 [MSG]
On the September 21, 2012, we were celebrating our 7 months being in a relationship. Not a long period of time to be boast of I know haha.. But it has been a journey full of God’s faithfulness, mercy, and love for us. Some people may wonder what a naive thing for me to post my love story even before it reaches toward the point of marriage. Well, for me, this is an act of faith. I believe what I have not seen. My purpose to share this is to encourage people who may feel what I feel that there is a God out there who concerns of your love story.
You may often wonder, “How do you know that Billy is the best God has for you?” Well, I asked God and He confirmed it. For some people the whole confirmation thing can be tricky. Yet I asked for a clear sign which will prove in the end that it must be from God. Pray specifically for this. For me, God putted in my heart for one verse which is 1 Corinthians 2:9:
However, as it is written:
“No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him.”
Then I prayed, “Lord, if he is whom you want me to marry with, let You put this verse too in his heart.” The funny thing was I told Billy that I asked God for this verse sign and he had to ‘guess’ it correctly. If not, then I regarded that he was not for me. I did not realize that my ‘challenge’ overwhelmed him a lot. He thought, “Poor me.. There are 31,103 verses in the whole Bible and I have to get it right with only one chance. That means there is only 0.003 probability that I would guess it right.” Then Billy kept thinking over and over again about the possibility of the ‘golden verse’. He thought, “Probably Proverbs 3:5-6.. because she has just tweeted it.. or probably something related to the word “faith” so He searched online to seek all the verses about faith. Being ended up with hundreds of choices, he was getting desperate, “Poor me …”
Then one night, as he went to sleep in deep trouble, he heard one voice singing, “What no eyes has seen. No ear has heard. No mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him …” In Indonesian language the song goes like this:
Apa yang tak pernah dilihat mata
Apa yang tak pernah didengar telinga
Yang tak pernah timbul di dalam hati
Semua disediakan bagi yang mengasihi Dia
Allah sanggup melakukan segala perkara
Dulu, s’karang dan s’lamanya
Kuasanya tidak berubah (2x)
Then Billy said to God, “God, don’t sing! I asked for a verse, not a song.” And God said, “Son, I’m singing you the verse.” At that night, Billy for the first time heard God’s voice as clear as crystal clear. And he hears from the Lord ever since..
The next morning, I recalled that I simply prayed to the Lord, “God, would You please remind him of that verse?” It was Sunday morning. After I prayed that simple prayer, I went to the church. I remembered clearly that before the service started at 10 AM, Billy contacted me and shared his experience last night. When he told me about that song, I knew certainly that God had just answered my very recent prayer. Oh no, He answered it even before I mentioned the morning prayer! I was completely surprised.. I always have faith in God, but that time … He has revealed himself in a very miraculous way I can ever imagine. You can read what happened next in My Love Story [Part 2]
That was my first confirmation from the Lord about Billy. The second was Faith’s letter which I attached in My Love Story [Part 2}. So, how are we going now?
We spent my 23rd birthday together for the second time 😉 And now we are working together to make a devotional book and website which will bless many other people. We have a mission from God and we do not take all of his favor in our relationship for granted. Have we ever fallen? Yes, we have. I always have a dream to save my first kiss in front of the altar on my wedding day. Yet, I have to admit that I did not guard it. We can have a nice dream, but if we don’t actually pursue, guard, and defend it, we’ll lose it. So we are working on to maintain our purity in this relationship. We fell, but we now save our next kiss for wedding. Hmm.. regarding this physical contact area, many people get confused whether they will be okay or not if they hug, kiss, etc. Many people have different standard on this. Yet I cling to God’s words in Song of Solomon 2:7, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires …” The question is not, “How far is too far?” but instead, “How far do we want to honor God?” It is not a matter of what is allowed and what is not allowed to do. But is it a wise thing to do?
Oh yes, and we are still waiting for parents’ approval for our relationship. A miracle.
When the LORD brought back the captives to Zion,
we were like men who dreamed.
Our mouths were filled with laughter,
our tongues with songs of joy.
Then it was said among the nations,
“The LORD has done great things for them”,
and we are filled with joy.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negev.
Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy.
He who goes out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with Him.
– Psalm 126:1-6
One day, once we get married, it will be like a dream comes true. The door which seems closed right now will be opened. And we know that it takes God and only Him to open it. It is not the story of us, but story of God’s love for us. All of these things which are beautiful are only a glimpse of God’s immense love. Yes, now we sow in tears, in faith, and in hope. We sacrifice our flesh desires to walk in purity, our wills are being put to death so that His will shall reign.
You may realise through all my writings that I emphasize a lot on commitment before you ever get into a relationship with someone. It is like a seat-belt in which will protect you from the ‘accident’ of heart-breaking. I wrote it in more detail in The Safest Roller Coaster. Build your relationship in the rock foundation of Jesus Christ. When Christ is at the center of your relationship, you can be sure that you’ll always have ways to find one another. Have the same vision in what God wants you to accomplish in this life. Being in a relationship is like having partnership to accomplish God’s purpose. It should bring you two together to grow more in Jesus and not make you both grow apart.
If you are single, enjoy your season with the Lord with all your might. I always hold on to the wise saying which says that, “A woman’s heart must be buried so deeply in Christ that a man must seek Christ first in order to find her.” If Christ’s love is not sufficient for you now, there will be no other man’s love which will ever make it. If Jesus who’s all perfect cannot make you feel loved, then there will be no merely man who’s imperfect who can make you feel loved too. Wait and grow in the Lord. In the mean time, the man who is passionate with God too is doing the same thing.
The story which I will write about is more than just a love story nor a fairy tale. It is a true love story [in case you’re wondering whether it exists or not, it does!], the one which is written by God alone, as the Author of Love.
The reason I write this is because I see so many people struggle in their love life. Some may be in search for their soulmates, some may wait in extraordinary patience, some may in active pursuit without coordinating with God. It leads us to a one-million dollar question whether God really has preserved “the one” for us or it all depends on our own free will while He only provides guidance. I once having difficulty in answering this question. But I always keep in confidence that the all-knowing God will know certainly the best for me. This is more than just talking about whether “the one” exists or not. It does more about how well we know God Himself 🙂 Based on this conviction, I put on my faith in my God and allowing Him to write my love story according to His will. Practically, I prayed and I waited. I listened to His guidance regarding men who passed through my life and I obeyed whatever His guidance was. Please noted here that I obeyed His guidance more than my own feeling. I did not depend on feeling for feeling can be tricked.
The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? -Jeremiah 17:9
There were times when I sacrificed my feelings in order to follow God’s guidance. There were times when I prayed regarding men whom I considered to be with, then I clearly sensed that God said, “No.” And I obeyed it because I simply trust in my good God who knows the best for me. This experience may sound awkward to some of you. Maybe you have a doubt that God really cares about the details about your life. Well, the fact is, He does. He even can number your hair! How couldn’t he bother your life-long partner choices? Okay enough for the introduction 🙂 So here we go, my testimony about what I have seen, heard, and experienced about God-written love story …
I came not from a harmonious family. When you are in that kind of family, it is easy not to trust that there is such thing called ‘true love’. But when I was 15 years old, I accepted Christ as my Savior, and being mentored by Mrs. Gloria Adhitya. She has been the living witness of God to me. I saw her marriage was extra-ordinary and her love story as well 🙂 Her husband was her first and last boyfriend for seven years and their relationship even began with a true confirmation from God. It gave me a glimpse of hope. As I began to look for more ‘evidence’ of true love, I am convinced that those who are truly truly [emphasis added] living for Christ do have a great marriage beyond most couples. By then, it doesn’t merely give me a glimpse of hope, but a fire of passion, a divinely purpose, that I want to have such kind of marriage, and I will [by faith and God’s grace]. It doesn’t stop there. When I was 19, I consumed lots of Christian books regarding Godly relationship, and it shaped out my vision to help young generation to build a Godly marriage, family, and a home. That made me who I am today.
I was committed to wait to build a relationship until I am ready for marriage. I wanted my husband to become my first and last boyfriend. [Okay, it works differently for some people. We may don’t share the same longing or experience here, and that’s okay!]. But I have faith in it 🙂 Back then, I just knew that I could not build a relationship with Senior High School guy who still depended on their parents for living. So I decided in my heart that Senior High School moment exactly was not the right time to build a relationship. The same thing went through when I was in college. I just had not meet yet with “the one” or I could say “Potential Husband” whom God impressed in my heart. Oh by the way, I have list of characteristics whom I wanna be with for the rest of my life 😉 It’s a hint for praying specifically 🙂 Thank God I wrote it down haha 😀 I wrote this list on April 4, 2010.
I believe that he is a guy who …
1) Loves Jesus more than ANYTHING
2) Has the same passion and vision to serve Jesus and people
3) Always wants to learn and improve himself toward His likeness
4) Loves me as God loves him
5) Humble and not self-centered
6) Honest, reliable, has a good sense of humour
7) Definately not smoking (care for his health)
8) Completely secure, confident, love himself
9) Willing to work hard yet always prioritize family and relationships
10) Good looking 🙂 , tall, white, smart
I want to be faithful even I haven’t met him yet. I know our meeting will be special and I will wait for you with all or my heart. I love you.
The lists should not be attributes to satisfy our flesh. But I tried to be honest on my list (see point no. 10? 😀 but of course, it’s not the top of my priority). We need to ask God for His guidance too. Different kind of faith will be unnegotiable. Why? Because I am deeply convinced that a strong faith in Jesus will be the srongest foundation ever to build a house of marriage.
Unless the LORD builds the house, its builders labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchmen stand guard in vain – Psalm 127:1
The one who share the same burden for ministry and have determination to grow in Jesus will also be my top priority. For I know what God called me to be and being partnered with a man of God will definately support my calling too 🙂 To create an extra-ordinary marriage from the very beginning, we need to partner with man who wants the same thing too 😉
Talking about lists, I was deeply inspired by the list made by a great woman of God, Ruth Graham. At first, she decided that she would be a single life-long missionary unless there was a man whom fulfilled her list as her partner of life [what a high standard!]. In case you’re wondering what were the lists, here they are:
If I marry:
1. He must be so tall that when he is on his knees, he reaches all the way to heaven.
2. His shoulders must be broad enough to bear the burden of a family.
3. His lips must be strong enough to smile, firm enough to say no, and tender enough to kiss.
4. Love must be so deep that it takes its stand in Christ and so wide that it takes the whole lost world in.
5. He must be active enough to save souls.
6. He must be big enough to be gentle
and great enough to be thoughtful.
7. His arms must be strong enough to carry a little child
Wow.. such a poetic list! But her faith was rewarded 😉 She changed her mind when she met … Billy Graham. The one who eventually became one of the greatest preacher on earth.
What I am trying to say here is … God-written love story began with faith which is applied in specific prayer plus boldness. We need to be bold enough to ask for the ‘rare’ thing.. Godly qualities which only a few has. I did not realize where I got such kind of faith.. I guess I was being like a child who trusted fully to the Heavenly Father who is more than able to provide what I asked for. Moreover when I asked for a partner whom I will work with in order to accomplish His mission on earth. He would be more than pleased to give me what He also wants to give at the very beginning 😉
Then what happened after I prayed? I waited. Faithfully. Patiently. I always believe that it is God’s design for a man to initiate a relationship and a woman to wait and respond to man’s initiatives 🙂 Some of us may think that the best place to meet Godly potential spouse is at church. I completely agree with that. It makes sense perfectly. But God can bring up your mate anytime and anywhere. Even in a condition you may never imagine before. My dad enrolled me to a stock analysis course which I often rejected over and over again. I was stubborn enough to decide that ministry would be my path of life and I was not interested to learn stock market. But I obeyed anyway [this obedience led me to God’s purpose ;)]. On the first day of the course I met “him”, one of the lecturer who have achievement already in stock market since he was 17 years old. It was my first time to know who he was. We did not meet often during the course, for he only taught around 3-4 meetings in 3 months. It seemed pretty hopeless to think that we may develop more relationship that lecturer-student. I did not think much either in that direction. Until the day he contacted me ‘accidentaly’ for the first time through short messages. The short message was not for me either.. so we can say it as a ‘lost’ short message whom he intended to send it to someone else. Yet from that moment, we kind of had little conversation for a few times in a week.
I was kind of interested back then. Yet I planned to go to US for a year to study Bible. I was so eager to go until I decided to sacrifice this feeling and just went away. I surrendered that feeling to God and so ready to bear the consequences along the way [Sometimes we are so impatient to wait on God’s timing until we rush into our own plans!] But God’s way mostly different from ours. I wrote the experience of God closed the door in my life in my writing “When God Closes the Door.” Yes, God closed the door when my US visa was rejected. I could not believe it at that moment. It really felt like the door being slammed right in front of your face and your dreams scattered around. It was my gloomy moment in life where God actually taught so many things regarding Him. At that time, he came over to comfort me. Since then, he had been my faithful companion during hard times #hugs. But we did not meet at all. I did not really think that he interested on me since he did never even call nor asked me out. I even sent his birthday present through mail. It was like a sweet friendship ‘with a slight hope of different intention’ at that time. 9 months passed by until He ‘finally’ initiated us to meet on my 22nd birthday 😀 I was so nervous and happy back then …
How would it turn out? I guess I need to stop here and continue later on My Love Story part 2 😀 See you later!
“A woman’s heart should be so hidden in God so that a man has to seek Him first in order to find her.” – Maya Angelou
“Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” –Luke 18:17 [NIV]
I have a little hobby of observing children especially those who are under age of 5. When they ran and fell, most of time they would stand up again immediately, run again and laugh. There are also some children reacted differently. When they fell, they would cried out loud. But when they had calmed down, they were quick to forget the previous “disaster” and played again with no fear. But the most interesting parts about children are their sparkling eyes and their ways to look at things in wonder. If parents teach a child to pray, then in the child’s perspective, prayer can do all things. There was a child who found out that his friend and family member were sick, either just flu or wound, the child will pray immediately. After praying, he would ask, “Have you recovered yet?”
I believe that when Jesus taught us to have a faith like a child it means that we use child’s perspective that there is nothing impossible for Almighty God. Oftentimes as we grow up into adulthood, we face the reality of life, and the child’s faith starts to fade out. We use more of our logics and we assume what many people experience in this world as truth. No wonder then if the eyes of grown up people fade. The eyes are no longer sparkling because there is no faith, hope, nor love.
Many people spend a lot of money to upgrade their looks. But Jesus actually has taught us the recipe of keeping our looks beautiful overtime. The beauty recipe is in keep in faith, keep hoping to God regardless of our circumstances. Our optimism will change the atmosphere around us to become more passionate. The same thing happens when people are filled with love. Their eyes will be warm when they greet one another. These kinds of people are beautiful in the eyes of God and the world. Don’t let your circumstances, your past, your problems to dictate your faith. Don’t let what happens to you rob your sparkling eyes you once had. But let your faith influences them and let your life shines wherever you are entrusted by God.
A hopeful heart in the Lord will always create sparkling eyes.