“A relationship will only be as healthy as the individuals in it”
Nowadays, many people become more aware for their health by doing more exercises in the gym, take rpm or yoga classes, and many more. Some men are very dedicated to restrict their foods and drink high protein milk to build up their muscles. We are more easily motivated to maintain what our eyes can see, rather than what our eyes cannot see. Not many people realise that just like our bodies need exercise to maintain its health, so does our souls too. As what you eat determines your future health, so does what we feed into our souls will determine how healthy our souls will be and how rich our relationship can be.
How is the condition of relationship in your life? Is it satisfying or frustrating? You may feel that having a successful relationship is definitely not easy. You face lots of people with background, emotional baggages, characters, and habits that entirely different from yours. The situation gets more complicated as each people brings some sets of unspoken expectation in relationship with you. I feel you! Are you tired for all the conflicts arise and wondering how could you make the relationships in your life run well? If yes, then this article is for you 🙂
The Unmet Expectations
People tend to have expectations based on who they are and what they usually do. For example, if you are a typical of person who is always come “in time” which means you come early before the scheduled time, then you will be more likely to expect people to behave the same as you. Even “on time” would be regarded as “late” for you. Of course few people will expect differently depending on their degree of tolerance. For those who is very strict in time, people who always come late will frustrate them. Some may respond it with disappointment, anger, or just keep the negative emotion sealed in their hearts. The case will be more often found in relationship with people you live with whether your parents, siblings, or spouse. Your behaviour and character will have greater possibility to clash with theirs. You may wish that your parents will compliment your achievement, but they simply don’t express love in words. You may wish that your spouse will give you surprises, flowers, or just simply be romantic; but he is completely not a romantic guy. You may wish your children do exactly as you instruct them to do because you know it is the best way, but they want to have their way. As the unmet expectations pile up, disappointment grows. At last, all we have is our hearts are full of resentment and bitterness. No body wants to be bitter, but if we don’t exercise our soul to stay away from it, it will be hard for not having bitterness dwell in us. The right way to look at disappointment is always remember that disappointment lasts for a season, but relationship is for a lifetime. Which one is more important to you?
“We need to learn to have a realistic expectations and let people off the hook. By giving people room to be human, we can avoid a lot of heartache.” -Victoria Osteen
One thing we need to remember and apply it in our daily lives is that knowing that every person we meet in this life is never and will never be perfect. Your parents, your children, your friends, and your spouse are just imperfect humans. You may choose your own spouse because he/she fulfills your criteria’s list. But there will always a time when he/she cannot fulfill all of your expectations (moreover when you have unspoken expectations). Why? Because they are not you. As simple as that. Your ways of thinking and their ways of thinking are different. What you think is good, may not be good for them (at least at the first time you say it). Because we all are imperfect humans, if you depend your happiness on the suitability of each of your expectations with the realities you get, you will always get disappointed. And disappointed person is NEVER be a happy person.
“I realize that I can’t make people change. I can’t force someone to be a certain way. I can only be a model for change. When I treat people the way I want them to be, that’s the seed God uses to bring about change. ” -Victoria Osteen
So what should we do with all of our expectations? Should we stop expecting from others? Not really. The problems here are not a matter of the existence of expectation but more about what we do when we don’t get what we expect 🙂 Children may whine when they don’t get what they want. Are we doing the same? Maybe we don’t whine physically but whine in our hearts? So here is my point.. If you want to improve your relationship, then the first step toward it is by being a healthy person. Even people you relate with are unhealthy or have some heart issues, as long as you are healthy, your relationship will not be as problematic as the way it is now. We cannot change people, but we can change ourselves. And here are some rules in order to have a healthy soul 😉
1. Your happiness is your own responsibility
It is true that what people say or do to you can really affect the condition of your heart naturally. But I want to shift the natural to be supernatural. Happiness is not a product of circumstances. Happiness is a choice you make on your own regardless of the circumstances. Surely it is not always easy. It is like you try to swim against the current. But if you consistently exercise your ability to choose your own happiness, it can happen. Rather than being driven by other people’s negative emotion toward you, be a driver to your own emotion.
2. Don’t let offenses hang around
A pearl is formed when a single grain of sand or a tiny foreign particle is lodged inside an oyster. If left alone, that tiny particle will cause damage to the tender mollusk. The interesting part is the oyster will immediately secrets nacre (lacquer-like substance) as a means of protecting itself. It seals away the irritation and at last forming gorgeous pearl. It doesn’t take longer time pass before it begins to cover the grain of sand with nacre. If we let offenses to hang around they will cause damage which will be harder to recover. Some people save offenses in deposits of their memory and hearts. They may not speak to the offender for quite some time. They think that it is better not to speak to each other rather than to fight. They do not realise that by not speaking to each other means they are making more holes of misunderstanding and hinder the relationship to grow. Whenever people say words or do things that hurt you, be quick to seal your heart. Don’t let it get into your heart and irritate your inside. Be quick to let go forgiveness.
3. Words and actions are equally important
Some people say that it is more important our actions rather than our words. No need to say, “I love you”. “I wash the dishes, that’s how I express love.” But meanwhile, you find him always criticise you. There seems to be always something wrong in what you do or what you wear. I have to disagree with opinion which states actions are more important than words. Words are important too. Words can either bring life or death. “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who live it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21) Your words can either build up or tear down someone. I also learn to think before speak. If we don’t do so, we are more likely to say things we will regret, moreover when we are offended. Words are your treasure. It must be handled carefully. I am a typical of person which is affected by words spoken to me so much. I am mentally drained when I relate with people who only point my mistake constantly. They think they are good and care for me. But that kind of relationship only makes me more broken. Every people needs a space to be allowed to be on their own. If we start “fixing” everyone around us, we miss the true riches we were meant to gain from those relationships. Again, words are meant to build up and not to tear down. You can give your ‘inputs’ at the right time, but be willing to let your listener to choose their own choice without making them losing their ability and right to decide.
If you cannot be happy on your own, other people also cannot bring that happiness to you. I’ve seen so many people suffer simply because they depend so much on others to make them happy. If you want to enjoy a rich and satisfying relationship, be the change you want. Be the healthy individual within that relationship. Release all your past hurts and unforgiveness. That’s what make us different from children who are basically immature. Instead of demanding from others to give to us, give what we want to others. If you want to have a good communication with your partner, don’t be the one who talk. Be the listener. Learn to see things from others’ point of view. I always believe that a healthy person will seek opportunity to give rather than to receive. They focus on others more on themselves. Of course.. it takes an exercise 😀 As we practice it daily, one day we will master it! A healthy relationship is a product of hard work! Let’s make it happen!
Photos by Jennifer Phelps Photography