There is a saying goes like this: “Show me your friends, I will show you your future.” Wow.. that’s deep you know. I mean.. is it really you can tell more about me or even my future just by seeing who are my friends? Yup.. we may not realise it, but the people surrounds us most of the time influence us more than we can imagine. The way they talk will much or less influence the way we talk too. What they regard as right or wrong somehow will give influence in what we regard as right or wrong too. If a friend who may not live with you 24-hours and perhaps spend time with you only about three times a week will shape your future, how much more do you think your partner of life (spouse) will eventually influence you?
I have been thinking lately about how much our boyfriend/girlfriend can start influencing us in many ways. I have felt that and I have seen that happens to other couple as well. I heard a mother says, “I do not have to know my son’s girlfriend. I need only to see what change she has made into my son’s life.” It sounds harsh at first, but as I think about it more, I find a hidden wisdom there. Yes, this mother knows exactly that a partner will unavoidably influence her son. She has experienced itself in her marriage anyway! The simplest way to know whether his son’s girlfriend will do good for her son in the future is by seeing whether her son grow in character and behaviour after dating with the girl.
When we are in love, many people say that we will be blind. We cannot see our partner’s flaws so clearly because we are under the spell called “love”. In contrast, our parents and good friends, can see much more clearly and objectively. Me, as a young woman, of course, there is so much energy to rebel and prove that they are wrong and my judgment is right. But reality has convicted me that most of the time, they are right, and I have to learn so much more. What a lesson! Yes, receiving someone’s advice and admitting humbly that they may be right is a process of falling down to your knees and put to death to our young ego and truly seeks what God really wants for us in romantic relationship. His will, not ours. His best plan, not our plan. His choice, not mine. So that makes me pondering what are the qualities for the right person to be with for the rest of our lives? Of course, I’m not referring to the perfect person which never exists. So we are talking about a person whose both strength and weakness can make our ship of love sail against all kinds of storm of life. The kind of partner who will build a love that endures and thrives until death set us apart. Here are some of the qualities of “the right person”:
1. The right person will make you grow deeper in your relationship with God
This is the first and most important quality that our partner should have. The world often reverse the order in knowing someone to: body -> soul -> spirit. When we see hollywood movie, they all define the process of love backwards:
one night stand -> knowing who you slept with -> I don’t care what your believe system is as long as we are in love.
We can see clearly that when we prioritise physical intimacy ahead of spiritual intimacy, our judgment will be clouded under the spell of ‘love’ or perhaps to be exact, ‘lust’. We cannot see the purpose of the relationship objectively anymore. We don’t even bother the necessity of such thing. “I know he has different belief with me, but we are in love. He promises to come to church when we get married.” If we are doing the order backwards, we are cooking with a recipe for disasters.
God wants there is a unity in spirit –> soul –> body. We should be standing in common ground in regard of our faith. Does he/she believe that Jesus Christ is their personal saviour? Does he/she live out their faith? Does he/she has a desire to grow, to serve, and to learn God’s Word? Because many will admit as Christians, but many are doing that for lips service, or they might be in a baby stage of growth. They still need some time to grow. Their life will show whether their faith is genuine or not. We don’t want to be judgmental regarding people’s spirituality, but we are doing this to assess our compability in spiritual area with our potential partner. Be honest with your own eyes. You get what you see now. When you are in doubt, pray to the Lord, and ask what He wants for you and obey Him. The unity of body (sex) is preserved for marriage only. Outside of marriage, sex can only lead to misery: unwanted pregnancy, sexual diseases, heartache, and many more. The best time to control our sexual desire is now, when we are still single. When we can’t control it when we are unmarried, how can we be sure that we are able to control it when we are married? It is just the way our body works. Pray for God’s grace to enable you to do so. Because the best way to follow God’s way, is to use God’s strength and our decision to be willing to obey Him 🙂
2. The right person will challenge you to grow to be a better person inside and out
Let us recall what the mother said before. If her son gets worse in behaviour, in his speech, etc, there is no doubt for her that her son’s girlfriend has influenced him. We may not realise that we have changed in a certain way, but those who live with us and observe us continually will do. They see what we cannot see. When parents are pointing out something that they disagree with, our response should be to humble ourselves and listen although it’s hard. They give us a precious hint of what should be changed in our characters and behaviour. I dislike being treated with full of correction at first, but as I grow, I realise what my parents do is a favor. I mean, it is better for them to correct me now, rather than my (for example) mother-in-law to do so! It is better to be embarrassed in front our our own parents rather than someone outside correct us more harshly.
The right person, will simply make you a better person. If you always late before, he/she will challenge you to be on time. If you are lacking of patience, he/she will help you to be more patient. A good relationship will be as iron sharpens iron.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” -Proverbs 27:17 [NIV]
It may get uncomfortable for us, but if we are willing to grow in character, the process will go less painful and it will get easier by time. Real love is tough, you may have heard. Tough love is defined as an expression when someone treats other person he loves sternly with the intent of helping him in the long run. If we don’t want to make our partner uncomfortable in the process of growing their characters, we are actually letting them get into some difficulties in the future (same like parents’ love to their children.)
3. The right person accepts you as you are, readily forgive your flaws, but also encourage you to be all that you can be in the future
Jesus accepts us the way we are. He forgives once and for all of our sins at the cross. He knows that we will sin again and again, but he has always been ready to forgive us on and on. But Jesus doesn’t stop there. He challenges you too to grow so that you can fulfil His wonderful plans for you. He loves you too much to let you stay the same either. If we are still sinning as if we never know Him, we cannot fulfil His destiny for us. So he has shown us what real love is. There will be moment when we make mistakes. Our partner, too, will make mistakes at some point. But a mature partner will accept and learn to forgive continually. Ruth Graham Bell once says, “A happy marriage is the union of two good forgivers.” The right partner accepts and celebrates who you are at the present, but he/she will keep encouraging you to grow to be what possible you can be in the future.
After reading this, you may think, “Is there any person who is like that? It seems to good to be true.” Oh yes, there is! Not many, to be honest, but there is 🙂 It always starts with faith. Do you believe that God is so good and He won’t forget to give you the right partner? But we ourselves, need to grow first. Be the one you’re looking for is looking for. When you want your partner to possess all these qualities, grow in such a way so that you may have it also. Be the right person first. The right person will attract the right person. And here’s a little secret: after married, your spouse IS the right person! No matter how awful you start your marriage, keep in mind, the person you made vow with at the altar, IS and ALWAYS BE the right person. It keeps our lives from unnecessary regret and close the door for another adventure of love when we have got married. Treat your spouse “as if” he/she is the right person, have faith in what God can do in human’s hearts, and one day (yes there will be some time.. and you need to have faith!) he/she will completely become the right person. Yes of course it will be easier if we choose carefully from the early beginning, it gives us a better start 🙂
So, are you the person you are looking for is looking for?
Photos by Jennifer Phelps Photography