“Grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” -Vicki Harrison
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross stated that grief has five stages:
Over last week, I think I felt all of these. At first I described my feeling as “sad, but relieved.” I feel sad for the loss of someone dear to me and who have accompanied me for more than seven years. Yet I feel relieved knowing that this is the best way out with the least damage from our problem. I feel relieved knowing that I don’t have to prolong a difficult relationship ahead and knowing that he can be at peace once again with himself and his family. Yet I can’t deny that seven years store a lot of memories indeed. When I close my eyes, the memories can came like the waves and I can cry instantly knowing that some of what he did to me would be the last time. Well, I guess it’s okay not to be okay, right?
At certain time, I felt anger which I had poured out on him. I was angry and blaming him not to obey God whole-heartedly and caused our separation. I felt I was alone throughout the wedding preparation since I was the one who contacted and met with all the vendors. It drained my energy and of course my emotional tank. Now as the wedding is cancelled, I am also the one who deals with the mess up. I tried to find the best way out to minimise the financial loss which occurs. I felt I was not loved as I used to be. But my partner prepared a message for me… after reading and listening to that, I can finally be at peace. I am actually loved … in his way. I remember someone once said, “Just because someone does not love you the way you want him to be, does not mean that he doesn’t love you with all he has.”
Dear My Cony
Who is the first girl that I really loved in my life ? it’s You
I still remember the first day I met you back in December 2010, at that time, your girlie apperance captured my heart and I can see how sweet you are by the way you talked and acted, although you once slept in my class.
I tried to approached you by using kokology test, a test that you always answered and asked me “how about you ?”, a reply that I always waited each day, a message that always cheered my life.
I always dreamed to have a
girl like you in my life, and even though you are older than me, I closed my eyes and chased you with my turtle slow approach. I know many men also tried to chased you, yet you are waited for me to make a move, which I did the 9 months later. Just like a baby born from its mother womb after 9 months, so does with our love story.
We had a wonderful 8 years, while not every second was all smiles or laughter, you can bet that every second we spent loving each other, sometimes fighting and debating, seeing and console you while you were cried, accompanied you watching korean drama, helped you to took thousand perfect photos, listening you told a stories about a Christian or relationship book that you read, were all treasures for me.
We did our best in the last 8 years, but unfortunately some of series bad event made us kinda hopeless, tired about the future of our relationship. Yes, my mom played a big part in our relationship which made our position is a bit hard to advance to the next stage, a stage that you always dreamed since you were a teenager. I am feeling so bad and guilty when we have to called it off because its like I am killing your dream, but I also understand that I maybe a right boyfriend for you but not a right husband material for you when it comes to supporting you in your ministry career and spiritual life. I tried my best and even forced myself to keep up with you, but it just doesn’t work out and I fear I will hinder you to reach and completed God’s calling in your life. I just dont want, with all this pressures, I’ll to turn into a bad man in our marriage and you will no longer see the Billy you loved before, you regret why you marry me, you can’t fulfill God’s calling in your life, I would be very very guilty if I ever do that.
I always feel safe when I was with you, I know you will always loyal to me, always there for me when my stocks went down with your cupcupcup, cheering me when my stocks up, and you always defend me in front of your parent, friends when they all put their doubt on me, always forgive me when I was late pick you up, always text me first when we had a “cold war”, and you understand if I am such an introvert person so you always do and open a conversation topic, drive by yourself when you know I am busy, patiently waiting a grab or go car because you know I dont like to drive, still smiling whenever I lazy to dance with you or when i ignored you when we were together because I am busy with my phone, how you survive and understand me even though sometimes our relationship is not doing anything that normal couple used to do, how you be patient with my mom treatment to you, i just never know how you can accept that. I couldn’t ask more from you again hun. You are the perfect girlfriend.
I want you to enter a marriage with 100% love and happiness, something you can’t get it from me and I know it’s better seeing you with other Godly man that are far better than me when it comes to spiritual, parents approval, on time behaviour, talkactive. You deserved that after all this hard years passed.
I believe you will get your King David from God, with your kindness, noble vision and mission, beautiful face that looks far younger than your age, your independence, and your sweet personality, it’s about time before you meet him, in fact its him who needs to find you earlier than other men.
I never regret to had a relationship with you, it was wonderful, we shaped each other character to become a better person. If i can say, you shaped me more than I shaped you.
I will always be your best friend and supporter. Whenever you need me until you meet your David, I’ll be here for you. I think you will still need me, judging from you dont know how to avoid odd even plate in waze, you don’t event know ed sheeran until i told you, you don’t know how to read instagram story text by holding it, it was all funny yet sweet moments that I will always remember about you. Don’t easily trust people hun, I ve been with you for such a long time and I know you once tricked by some people or even hacker because you have a very kind heart, when you face a problem or something you dont know, ask me like you were used to do, and I promise I will help you.
I want you to be able to focus to your ministry and have no worry about your financial, I am offering myself to stay as your portfolio manager, the one who will take care your portfolio so you will be able to achieve your dreams like having a beautiful house with amazing decoration, travelling and many more without have any concern about your financial. I will do this because it was my responsibility for you since we started our relationship.
Whoever marry you later is one of the luckiest if not luckiest man in the world, he will get a Godly woman, a loyal wife that will stick through hard times like you did to me, sweet mother, instagramable model for photography, a restless travelling buddy, smart, romantic, and caring woman, oh and gentle dancer.
I don’t know about my future, sure if I am not be with you, I have to find another girl to become my life partner. I think at this point I will only find a woman that suited my parents criteria so I will not experience another drama. I just want to breathe again in my life, with peace and not feeling stress when I woke up in the morning or when the nightfall comes.
Lippo Mall Puri, Puri Mall, and Jolie will always be my favourite place, because we spent maybe 70% of our time there, sometimes you complain to me why we always go to that places, but you tried your best to be happy and accompanied me.
I love the way when you entered Jolie, trying and wearing all the dress that you want, you may not pay attention to me, but I always look at you whenever you look yourself at mirror and then look outside to find me, asked me “is this good Brown ?”, it’s always a blissful moment for me.
I always said to you that you are beautiful, even better when you dont wear a make up, I just like and love the way you are, never I told you to wear a make up right ? that’s why you often complain to me why I never compliment you when you wear a make up and good dress, because when I see a woman, I always imagined how she will looks like when she doesn’t wear a make up and I just love you the way you are.
It’s hard to write this without remember a moments when we hold hands together, swing it, and I kissed you in a romantic way, but I guess I have to let you find your David. Whether we are still meant to be in the future, we just never know and let time and God answer it, the point is you have to make yourself visible to the David and David has to find you, if I can give a tip and suggestion to him, he must go to Jolie every saturday night, there he can meet you.
Now you may have to spend your time with your parents, friends, but again, whenever you need something, until you find your David, you can always ask me to help you.
I wouldn’t say good bye to you, because I’m still here and we just walk in a separate ways.
Thank you for accompanied me in the last 8 years, I wouldn’t be here today without you hun, all my spiritual growth, life knowledge, wealth, attitude were all shaped and helped by God through you. I wish you all the best for your ministry career, your love life, your family life, your business (I’ll make sure to buy from you ya), and your education.
Cony will always in my mind no matter what, I’ll stored everything that you had ever gave to me, including photos, our chats, because for me, all you gave to me are treasures.
I am blessed to had you in my life hun, the memories we made together in the last 8 years is something that i always cherished forever in my life.
Our story is a true lesson that… just because you love someone, does not mean that you have to marry. I know this sounds absurd. Some says that you should fight for your love. But love, too, is a sacrifice. It is about giving up your happiness for the happiness of others, too. There are more vital things needed in order to build a great marriage. One of them is life purpose’s compatibility. Knowing your purpose but you will never achieve it because you are paired with someone who has different from yours, is a torture. Yes, we love each other. But God has greater purpose than this love. To him, I replied …
You are the first man God said yes to in my life. You are the first man who makes me truly feel loved, respected, and protected. You are the first man I’ve ever kissed and you are a tender kisser. I see you possess money, but you don’t let money possess you. You always give what you have for those you love. You are loyal, responsible, and unshakeable. That’s what I love from you. That’s why I find it safe to embark the journey with you all these years.
At first you cant eat anything besides Indonesian foods or Hokben or Indomie. But you grow to like Aglio Olio just like me. We like common foods such as Yoshinoya, Marugame Udon, Genki Sushi and Soto Betawi Afung, more than we enjoy fine dining foods. You made me grateful through simple things and not on fancy things.
I remember how you said that “peace is the best home decoration”. It is a mind opener for me not to just focus on filling in my house with beautiful things, but more importantly how I should keep peace between the people in the house. Peace has always been your favorite thing. I feel sorry I’ve taken that from you for some time. Now peace is my last gift for you to enjoy and savor each day with your once harmonious family. I will always remember your word hun and build my family upon peace.
You’ve thought me simplicity. You made me flexible riding on a grab in the back of the car though I always feel dizzy in the back. You’ve made me adapted with solitude which you enjoy in the car. You’ve shown me how to listen to other s well since you are always a great listener. You are always patient when I threw tantrum either because of my PMS or other things. Thats why I can never be angry to you for long.
You’ve thought me to endure boredom going to same places over and over again. You’ve thought me that it matters more whom you are with rather than where you are. Once again, you’ve thought me to be grateful over little things.
I always like the way you hold my hands and willing to swing it as we walk. You made me feel like you are proud of me and I am your priceless possession. It shows you are happy with me.
Birthdays and anniversaries are always confusing moment for me since I cant find the right present for you. You dont favor stuffs. I guess you just love spending time with me. But I’d like my gifts of stuffs not just to be kept, I love that you wear it. Thats how it become useful and not dusty🤗
You used to be unable to do your own shopping. But now you can shop for your own clothes and I love seeing you shop. Keep your body not to be over again so that all the clothes, suits and pants will fit you for a long time 😊
I hope you can regain back your faith to God and rebuild intimate relationship with him again. Thats not just important, but essential. It is food to your soul, an air for you to breath. I guess what happen to us is a reminder not to love anything or any person more than we love God. Because eventually only God alone who stays forever and can satisfy us fully.
I dont regret spending my golden age with you. You have been a great boyfriend who protected my purity with all your might. You have guarded me well and I am so thankful to you. You’ve made me feel loved, so you dont have to feel guilty about it. You have turned me, a spring chicken, into a fine wine. Age doesnt seem to matter anymore. I am now a far more mature woman than before.
Thank you, Brown. You are always a Brown for me.
“Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what’s in between hello and goodbye.”
“Don’t regret, thank that it happened.”
” And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” – Romans 8:28 [NIV]
God’s greater purpose is still lying ahead. I don’t know yet what exactly it is. I can’t see it now. I don’t know when it will happen. But I am believing in the God who is Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End. I can rest assured in uncertainties ahead because I know that He is already there.